How to Support Them Through Cognitive Dissonance
“But That’s Not Fair…”
A child sees someone homeless on the street and asks, “Why doesn’t anyone help them? ”
Or hears a classmate say something cruel and wonders, “But I thought we’re supposed to be kind. ”
Or notices that adults break rules they expect kids to follow.
These moments can feel uncomfortable and awkward, but they’re also powerful. They mark the beginning of cognitive dissonance: when a child’s understanding of how the world should be clashes with how it actually is.
As a parent, your job isn’t to have all the answers. It’s to help your child navigate the discomfort with honesty, empathy, and curiosity, so they learn how to think critically, stay compassionate, and find their place in a complicated world.
So let’s explore what cognitive dissonance looks like in children, why it’s a healthy sign of development, and how to respond in ways that build trust, resilience, and wisdom.
What Is Cognitive Dissonance, And Why Do Kids Feel It?
Cognitive dissonance is the mental tension that arises when two beliefs, values, or observations conflict. It’s a sign that the brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn’t fit.
For kids, this might show up as:
- Confusion: “But you said lying is bad, why did you just lie to Grandma? ”
- Frustration: “How come they never get in trouble, but I do? ”
- Sadness: “Why are people hurting each other on the news? ”
Cognitive dissonance is a normal and necessary part of moral and intellectual growth. It shows your child is thinking deeply, noticing injustice, and developing a conscience.
Don’t Rush to Explain It Away
Your instinct may be to fix the discomfort with a simple answer. But when adults over-explain or minimize these moments, they can miss the deeper need: to sit with the tension and help kids process it slowly.
Try This:
Instead of:
❌ “That’s just how the world is. ”
❌ “You’re too young to understand. ”
❌ “Because I said so. ”
Say:
✅ “That’s a really good question. ”
✅ “Yeah… that does feel confusing, doesn’t it? ”
✅ “I wonder what we can make of that together. ”
Your presence is more important than your explanation.
Validate the Feeling Before Exploring the Logic
Cognitive dissonance often triggers emotions: anger, sadness, anxiety. Before jumping into logic or teaching, help your child feel emotionally safe.
What This Might Sound Like
- “It feels upsetting when people don’t treat others fairly, doesn’t it? ”
- “I can see why that made you mad. I feel that way too sometimes. ”
- “It’s okay to feel confused. You’re asking a really thoughtful question. ”
Once they feel seen, their brain is more open to reflection.
Invite Their Thoughts, Don’t Just Supply Yours
Cognitive dissonance is a chance to teach your child how to think, not just what to think.
Ask open-ended questions like:
- “What do you think is going on here? ”
- “Why do you think someone would act like that? ”
- “What do you think is fair? ”
Even if their thinking is incomplete or idealistic, you’re helping them practice critical thought and moral reasoning.
Be Honest About Complexity
Children don’t need perfect stories. They need honest ones. That means acknowledging that the world is complicated, and that even good people sometimes make hurtful or contradictory choices.
Try Saying:
- “Sometimes grown-ups don’t live up to their values. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does happen. ”
- “There are many reasons people struggle, and it’s not always fair. ”
- “I don’t have a perfect answer for that. But I’m glad you noticed it. ”
Honest answers, even when incomplete, build trust and emotional strength.
Give Them Agency: What Can We Do With This?
Once a child has processed their confusion or discomfort, they often want to do something. This is where you can help them move from passive frustration to active compassion or problem-solving.
Examples:
- “Want to write a card for someone who’s struggling? ”
- “Would you like to donate a toy to someone who doesn’t have much? ”
- “Let’s learn more about this together. ”
Action, even small action, restores a sense of hope and empowerment.
Normalize That Discomfort Is Part of Growth
Let your child know that being uncomfortable doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It means their mind and heart are growing.
Tell them:
- “Great thinkers and helpers feel this way all the time. ”
- “This tension is part of becoming wise and kind. ”
- “Not having all the answers is okay, you’re asking the right questions. ”
Stay With the Question
Cognitive dissonance isn’t a parenting emergency, it’s a parenting opportunity.
A chance to show your child that it’s okay to feel confused.
That it’s safe to ask hard questions.
That they are not alone in their wondering.
And that sometimes, sitting with uncertainty is where the deepest learning begins.
So next time your child says, “That doesn’t make sense,” don’t rush in with an answer.
Pause.
Sit beside them.
And say, “Yeah… let’s think about that together. ”
Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
Love, joy, and respect to you, always!
