Rethinking the Race to the Top
“Just try to win.”
“You have to be the best.”
“Life is a competition.”
These are messages many kids hear — at school, on sports fields, even at the dinner table. But what if trying to “win” is actually doing more harm than good?
According to renowned education expert Alfie Kohn, author of No Contest: The Case Against Competition, the obsession with outperforming others may be deeply damaging to children’s emotional development, motivation, and relationships. Instead of pushing kids to “get ahead,” Kohn and a growing body of psychological research suggest we should be helping them grow, connect, and collaborate.
In this blog post, we’ll unpack the surprising dangers of competition, explore how it shows up in parenting — often unintentionally — and offer actionable ways to foster emotionally intelligent, resilient kids who value cooperation over comparison.
Let’s dive in.
The Hidden Costs of Raising a “Winner”
Competition is often framed as healthy: it builds grit, it motivates, it prepares kids for the “real world.” But decades of research tell a different story.
Alfie Kohn argues that competition pits children against each other rather than helping them with each other. This mindset can foster anxiety, envy, and even a lower sense of self-worth — especially for those who don’t come out on top.
Psychologists like Dr. Carol Dweck have shown that when kids are praised for being “better than others,” they’re more likely to develop a fixed mindset, fearing failure and avoiding challenges. Conversely, when the focus is on personal growth and learning, kids develop a growth mindset, which builds resilience, motivation, and long-term success.
Takeaway: Competition often undermines what it promises to build. It can make kids less motivated, less connected, and less confident over time.
Emotional Intelligence: Teach Empathy, Not Envy
Children who are constantly compared to others may struggle to recognize or manage their own emotions — let alone empathize with peers.
Research from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence emphasizes that emotionally healthy kids are those who feel safe to express themselves without judgment or ranking. They thrive in environments where cooperation, not comparison, is the norm.
What Parents Can Do:
- Model emotional awareness. Instead of asking, “Did you beat them?” ask, “How did you feel about it?”
- Celebrate kindness and teamwork. Reward acts of empathy or support as much as academic or athletic wins.
- Use language that focuses on effort and feelings, not status. Try: “You worked hard on that project” rather than “You’re the smartest!”
By removing the emotional pressure to be “the best,” kids learn to regulate their feelings and understand others — the core of emotional intelligence.
Discipline: Rethink Rewards and Punishments
Traditional discipline often mimics competition: a system of winners and losers. The child who follows the rules wins praise or prizes, while the one who disobeys is punished or excluded.
But Alfie Kohn suggests that this dynamic turns kids into approval seekers. Instead of learning why a behavior is right or wrong, they focus on how to avoid getting in trouble or how to outperform others.
Practical Alternatives:
- Collaborative problem-solving. When a conflict arises, involve your child in finding a solution: “What do you think would make this fair for both of you?”
- Natural consequences. Let kids experience real-life results (safely), rather than artificial punishments.
- Focus on values. Ask, “What kind of person do you want to be?” rather than, “What will earn you a gold star?”
This kind of discipline nurtures internal motivation — not behavior based on fear, shame, or rivalry.
Screen Time: Competing for Attention
Screens themselves aren’t inherently competitive, but many apps and games are designed around leaderboards, likes, and followers — reinforcing the idea that value comes from outperforming others.
The American Academy of Pediatrics warns that this can distort a child’s sense of worth, particularly when screen time replaces face-to-face play, creativity, and connection.
Tips for Reducing Competitive Digital Pressure:
- Co-play and co-watch. Use media as a tool for connection, not isolation.
- Ask reflective questions. “How did that game make you feel? Did it help you learn or connect with anyone?”
- Set collaborative screen goals. Try family challenges like “Let’s make a story together using this app,” rather than “Who can score the most?”
Helping kids relate to technology without being ranked by it fosters healthier digital habits — and a better sense of self.
Fostering Independence Without Comparison
Many parents fall into the trap of pushing independence through competition: “Your brother could do that at your age,” or “Other kids are already doing this!”
But true independence is about ownership and agency — not about matching or beating someone else’s timeline.
Psychologist Dr. Ross Greene reminds us: “Kids do well if they can.” If a child isn’t ready to tie their shoes or do their homework alone, it’s not laziness. It’s a skill still under construction.
How to Support Independence Compassionately:
- Let kids set personal goals. “What’s something you’d like to be able to do by yourself this month?”
- Avoid comparisons. Celebrate your child’s unique timeline — not someone else’s.
- Encourage autonomy in decision-making. Give real choices: “Would you like to set the table or sweep the floor today?”
This nurtures a sense of competence based on their own growth — not someone else’s shadow.
Bonding: Connection Over Competition
One of the most overlooked casualties of competition is the parent-child bond.
When kids feel they must win love — through grades, behavior, sports, or achievements — they may feel less secure in your affection. And parents, too, may fall into the trap of seeing their child’s success as a reflection of their own worth.
Ways to Rebuild Connection:
- Practice unconditional presence. Spend time with your child that isn’t tied to performance — just play, talk, or be together.
- Name and normalize struggles. “Everyone has hard days. You’re not alone.”
- Show delight in who they are, not just what they do. Say, “I love how curious you are,” instead of “I love that you got an A.”
Kids thrive when they know your love isn’t something to earn — it’s something they already have.
Scientific Insights: Why Cooperation Works Better
Decades of studies in developmental psychology — from Piaget to Deci & Ryan’s self-determination theory — show that children are intrinsically motivated by connection, competence, and autonomy.
Kohn’s critique is not that we should eliminate challenge or ambition, but that we must separate striving from competing. A child can strive to be a great artist without needing to be better than another. They can aim for excellence without needing someone else to fail.
Even in sports, some coaches and educators now focus on personal bests, team cohesion, and mutual respect rather than rankings and trophies.
Actionable Takeaways for Parents
- Reflect on your language. Notice how often you frame situations around winners, losers, or comparisons. Try switching to “What did you learn?” or “What part did you enjoy?”
- Emphasize growth, not grades. Celebrate effort, creativity, and curiosity over outcomes.
- Create cooperative family rituals. Games, projects, and chores that are done together build stronger bonds and shared purpose.
- Be aware of your own triggers. Sometimes, our push for our kids to succeed comes from our own fears or unhealed competitive past. Pause and ask: Whose needs are driving this pressure?
- Read more by Alfie Kohn. His books, including Unconditional Parenting and The Myth of the Spoiled Child, offer transformative frameworks for raising children with compassion and wisdom.
Conclusion: Raising Humans, Not Winners
In a culture obsessed with comparison, choosing cooperation is a radical act of love.
Our kids don’t need to be better than others. They need to be better understood. They don’t need trophies to feel valuable — they need our presence, our patience, and our belief in their inherent worth.
By stepping away from competition and embracing connection, we raise children who are not only capable but also kind, resilient, and emotionally wise. And perhaps, in doing so, we become better versions of ourselves too.
Let’s start a conversation. What messages about competition did you grow up with? How have you seen it affect your child’s sense of self? Share your thoughts in the comments — your story could help another parent.
